


The bar under the stairs

by Gothicdoll



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-05-27 07:18:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6274957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gothicdoll/pseuds/Gothicdoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin is a head chef in Berlin that suffers the lost of his wife and an arm in a car crash and does not handle it well. In an attempt to drown his sorrows in drink he meets a scowling bartender that he finds himself bonding to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The crash and the bar

It was not a special day. There was no rain storm or orchestra of thunder, there was neither any blissful sunshine and happy memories. It was just a drive back from a family shopping trip in the grey iron cloud of the Berlin sky, boring and normal Erwin in hindsight wished for something more monumental, some grand display of love or even argument of passion, anything but that painful monotonous average. 

 

That was when the lorry hit. It went slamming into the car, Marie didn't even get the chance to scream before her frame was crushed under the weight of 12 tonnes of metal ripping into the side of her. Erwin had only one thought in the few seconds when the mass of metal was tearing his life apart. Protect Armin. His son sat asleep in the back, Erwin launched himself from his seat and into the back of the car, pulling his son into his arms as their car was thrown across the road and came to a shuddering halt halfway across the junction. That was all Erwin could process before he blacked out. 

 

The paramedic told him it had been 5 hours since he had passed out, he was in the intensive care unit and felt very numb. Numb in every sense of the word. His wife was dead, he didn't even get to look at her before she died, he probably never would. She had been crushed beyond recognition, the love of his life and he would never get to see her again. The thought was so devastating he couldn't even cry, he couldn't even scream or move. Just the white clinical ceiling above him and the knowledge that though suffering from a fractured femur, his son was okay. He stared at the ceiling for hours before the amphetamines started to weigh on his brain and he slipped once again into the black.

 

Another 5 hours had passed when he woke up once more and he was now no longer surrounded by the doctors and nurses fussing over him for some reason that he could not be bothered to listen to. He was no longer in the intensive ward and he had been placed in the general wards. He was positioned next to a window and looked out into the black night, dimly glowing for the city light of Berlin that burned fire into open void. At the corner of his eye a bottle of water sat for him and in some numb function that was still running through his drugged and grief riddled brain to he reached out to grab the bottle. If only he had a arm to grab anything with. 

 

An ice cold chill ran down Erwin's spine, all through his marrow before settling in the base of his gut. Where his right arm had once been now ended in a short stump just below the shoulder, covered in bandages and dressings. He suddenly wanted to scream, not for his arm but at life, at whole fucking situation. If he had lost his arm to save his son then that he could live with but Armin was injured. His mother was dead and now, would his son have to take care of him? Would he ever be able to work again? What if they took Armin away from him? He wished the drugs would take hold again, he didn't want to think about the thoughts that dug into his brain like needles tipped with nitric acid. He swallowed his sobs and let a few silent tears run before willing himself into a morphine aided slumber.

 

 

The next few months went in daze of hospital treatments and counseling sessions. He spent weeks either staring at the ceiling or staring across a dull green table at a dull grey psychiatrist trying to fix Erwin's boiling brain. But Erwin knew there was nothing for the man to do, for as much as he tried the mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy, three things maintained a constant. 1) Marie was dead, her body crushed beyond all recognition and cremated as the only way of burying her. 2) Armin was physically okay, but suffering a fracture that left the six year old in a wheelchair and a trauma that Erwin could never hope to mend. 3) He was crippled, his arm had healed well but the jury was too high for any feasible prosthetic and despite the psychotherapy he was not going to be able to give his son the life he deserved with one arm. But he was too shocked numb to deal with any of it. He was not okay.

 

Marie's funeral was just traumatic, it was too large of an affair that was too overwhelming and suffocating for either of them. Erwin could only stare at the altar and wonder morbidly how mangled his dear sweet love had been in the crash for the only option to be to turn her to ash. 

 

“Daddy?” Armin asked from where his stood clinging to Erwin’s trouser leg, he was the last thread of hope Erwin had left and the only thing that could still make him smile. He had done so well to try a stay positive, the kid had rolled up to see him in that little wheelchair the first day on the ward and it didn't matter that Erwin was too full of morphine to even see straight let alone see his son, but Armin just wanted to be there, to see one of his parents. When they had told Armin that his mother was dead he had nodded and cried a little but even now, it had been months, Armin still thought his mother would come running into the church and pull them into her arms. “Daddy can we go, I don't like this?” 

 

Erwin sighed, neither of them were ready for this, were ready to let go.

“Just a few more minutes and it will be ok,” he lied to his son, of course it wasn't gonna be okay and the thing was Armin knew it. It would be so much better and easier if Erwin was actually capable of feeling anything at all. That was the real kicker for the suffering, that Erwin seemed entirely incapable of suffering. Ever since he had woken up and stared at the white ceiling of that white room, he felt nothing but the unending numbness. He knew what this was, the shock kicking in and that soon he would feel all the rush of emotions that all the books tell you that you feel. But he didn't. Weeks and months went past and all he felt was the oblivion, the continuing emptiness of his emotional state. It could feel anything, not even any righteous fury when he found out the drunk lorry driver in the truck had been killed in the accident or grief for his wife just...nothing.

 

They left before the wake, before the sobbing tears of the 100 or more guests could soak his suit with tears. The only person that he could bare to talk to was Hanji, one of the few that wouldn't expect any roaring tears or choked sobs. There wasn't any taking in the car, Hanji kept mercifully quiet through the journey, sending the mood of the car as they chugged through traffic to the apartment complex. There was no way they could keep their old house, not that Erwin really wanted to with all those haunting memories, and with losing his job as a head chef because of his disability he couldn't hope to pay for the upkeep. Until they could find a buyer they were saying with Hanji would was more than happy to help as Erwin learned to adjust to his new arm. The PHD student giddily fussing over Armin, having had him staying at her flat while Erwin recovered. Now Erwin was coming to live there as he sorted out a new house for him and his son. 

 

They sat down and had take away for dinner that night, talking about mindless drivel anything other than the overhanging issue of death and pain. By the later hours Armin ran off to bed and Erwin soon followed, there was too much of a gaunt melancholy hanging over the room, so Erwin took his leave to the guest bedroom. Suddenly he was very very alone, and very aware he was alone. He had spent that last month's sleeping peaceful dreamless sleeps aided by painkillers and sleeping

tablets, but there was no more drugs on tap to drag him into the quiet abyss of sleep.

 

He lay there in the dark, looking up at the ceiling, like he did when he first woke up. His breath was suddenly caught in his throat, he started to shake and his gut began to churn and boil in his belly. Was this the grief, no this was panic. The fear of those emotions, the fear of being alone, the fear of not being able to provide for his son. He wanted to scream, he wanted to hit something but most of all, he didn't want to think about those things anymore. He didn't want to think, he turned to the clock, the glowing neon numbering looking out to him across the room. 01:16 he stared at the clocks till the 6 turned to 7 and he sat up. He was not getting any sleep here, it was a new bed and he felt to fucked in the head to sleep. He threw on a shirt and trousers, which took considerably more effort with only one arm, grabbed some keys from the bowl by the door and left. 

 

He marched himself through the streets of the German capital, dim yellow lights glowing out from street lights and shop windows, he just kept walking and walking and walking and walking and…

“Fucking watch it!” A large man sneered at him as Erwin slammed into, a splash of beer slopping onto the floor. The man pushed past him, Erwin wincing a little as he hit the still sensitive stump on his way past. He turned around and found himself looking at a old Chinese restaurant next to which was an old rusted metal staircase marked with a sign for the “Riesen Bar”, he wasn't meant to drink too much with all the painkillers he was on, but as he started the walk down the stairwell only one thought crossed his mind,

 

“Fuck it.”

 

The bar was a dark and mellow affair, seemingly carved out of the basement of the upstairs Chinese restaurant, footsteps clattering around upstairs. The room was filled will the dim thumping of music Erwin couldn't recall and the groaned chatter of the fifteen or so inhabitants hunched around tables. In the centre of the room stood a bar, too old for the barely finished set up that gave away it’s second hand nature. Before he could take in the slew of bottles and drinks behind the counter his gaze was stores by the man tending the bar. A short and slender figure polishing a martini glass with a glare on his face that looked like it could fell a man at 50 paces. The bartender nodded to Erwin who was in the process of swallowing his emotions to enjoy drinking himself to death, with his own cocktail of drugs, booze and suicidal fear. 

 

He walked up to the bar, straightening his back like he was back in his stint in the military,

“Whiskey… Neat please” Erwin managed to croke to the glaring bartender, who Erwin would imagine to furious at the opposing wall to explain his constant frown. The bartender nodded once more and turned around to pour Erwin his drink. He wished the music had been louder, drown out the thoughts and anxiety that burned behind his eyes, the images of his wife crushed under metal that his mind had so cruelly conjured for him to witness. He was awoken from the bloody morbid thoughts as the spirit was pushed under his nose,

“5 Euros,” the bartender rasped in a low voice that sent a shiver running through Erwin’s spine. He nodded stiffly, handed over the money and took the glimmering brown liquor from the counter and pushed it to his lips. Knocking down the burning solution that set alight the back of his throat and settled into his gut. His eyes met with the bartender’s and there was a moment of silence before five more euros hit the counter and Erwin groaned, 

 

“Another.”

 

Erwin lost count of the amount of the total volume of spirit he had consumed in the hours that followed. Sat at the counter, letting his senses become dulled and coordination skewed as the the fiery liquid bubbled inside his body. As he looked up at the dark eyed bartender scowling at him and saw his sharp features swim before him he knew he was reaching a point which would land him in hospital again. That was ok, in hospital people did the thinking for you and if he died… Well then he would never have to think again. Oh the cruel irony of it all, he had wondered for so long when the numb shock would end and he would start to feel again, but now it had started he want nothing but oblivion. All his grief and pain and fear came falling around him in the space of a few hours and he found cope with the hissed and cries of loss that his brain screamed in the silence. The drink numbed it well and he raised his head once more for another glass of his self medication when a hand stopped his.

 

“ Go home sir,” came the rasped drawl of the bartender who now had a firm grasp of Erwin’s wrist. Erwin pulled his hand away and curled his lip at the shorter man,

 

“No, just give me another, I need it” his words came out slurred and choked much to Erwin’s chagrin.

 

“Well I'm sorry but I'm not in the business of serving booze to people that need it, wanting things is less dangerous,” his sharp glare softened for a moment, “go home, it's 4am, we’re closing.” Erwin looked around, slowly as to not make his head spin, he was the only one left in the small basement bar. He didn't feel good, he felt awful, depressed, aching and ill. The smaller man watched him go, standing up and walking slowly to the door, struggling through the door into the cold wall of the night. He slowly began to climb the rusted stairs. That was when the darkness crept in. His vision sank into the dark and he felt his head become light and his fingers slip from the railings of the stairwell before he fell back. For the second time in four months Erwin wound up passing out with a crash. 

 

When he woke up he was in a bed, not a hospital, it was too hard and the room was too cold. He pulled himself up only to be greeted by an appalling headache that slammed him back into the bed. 

 

“Are you are awake for real this time, and not throwing up? Oh brilliant.” Came a low voice that practically radiated sarcasm from the door. The bartender stood there, no longer in the suit he was wearing at the bar, but a white shirt and straight black trousers. 

 

“Where am I?” Erwin groaned, trying to hold his head with his missing arm and wincing at the phantom pains.

 

“My house, about 10 minutes from the bar you tried to kill yourself at last night, my name is Levi by the way, I told you at about 7am but you still weren't quite with it” he sighed and put down a glass of water. Erwin sat up to take the water and took a few deep drinks of the liquid. 

 

“My name is Erwin Smith...Thank you for your kindness-” Erwin started,

 

“Kindness?” Levi scoffed, “listen I just didn't want a dead cripple on my doorstep, bad for business,” there was a silence between the two men. While what Levi said wasn't necessarily untrue, he could have just called an ambulance rather than respond to Erwin’s cries not to go back there. So Levi dragged the drunken man home and sat with him as he vomited up the alcohol and drugs he had consumed as he cried over a “Marie” .Levi sighed, “I don't know if you remember but you told me to phone your son, I did, some friend of yours picked up and I told them you were staying with a friend.” Erwin let out a sigh and relaxed a little in the bed. He suddenly felt warm, like he used to with Marie. He closed his eyes and felt the pain wash over him.

 

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have put you in that position last night I'm...going though a lot.” Levi let slip a weak smile,

 

“I know, you spilled half your life story to me this morning I between throwing up,” Erwin groaned and held his head in his hand. “I'm sorry about Marie,” there was a pause as Erwin looked up at the man before him, something stuck in his throat. “My girlfriend died a few years ago so I know how it feels,” it dawned on Erwin that Levi wasn't talking to him but to himself. 

 

The silence was quickly broken by a small ball of brown and yelling running into the room at top speed. He looked up at Erwin with a large grin on his face, not too much older than Armin,

 

“Eren!” Snapped Levi as he pulled the boy back a little by the neck of his T-shirt, he was followed by a young girl who looked out from the doorway silently. The noise didn't do much for Erwin’s head but the kids cheered his spirits somewhat. The two children looked at him curiously even as Levi snapped at them and ushered them out of the room. 

 

“I didn't expect you the type to have kids,” Erwin smiled to the scowling father,

 

“Yeah well, you woke them up last night blowing your guts out into the toilet,” Erwin couldn't help but smile more, did the man snap at everyone in that tone? Children and adults alike. His smile fell when he saw Levi try to cut his head off via glare alone.

 

“Sorry sorry, I didn't mean to… Your children just remind me of my own son, they are about the same age,” a pang of guilt at not being there in the morning hitting him. He took a deep breath and Levi watched. 

 

“That's a technique some therapist told you to control your anxiety, right?” Erwin nodded and Levi rolled his eyes a little.

 

“I will assume from that reaction that you're not a fan?” 

 

“No, not really, the problem is that the bad ones are so bad that they make you worse and the good ones are so bad they make you better,” Levi muttered, Erwin didn't entirely understand but he got the base of the statement. Levi walked over to him, “listen you need to get home and talk to your fucking kid but if you wanna talk-” he grabbed a notepad and scribbled down his address and phone number before handing it to the confused mono-armed blonde. 

 

“Why are you-”

 

“Because you might, just be someone I can get along with and believe me that is a rare thing,” Levi gritted his teeth as Erwin slowly took the piece of paper and pushed it into his pocket after looking at the scrawl of proposed friendship. “What I mean is we have- we are in similar positions, and my guess is talking about it with a guy at the hospital did you fuck all good from your alcohol level last night?” Erwin smiled and bowed his head, before standing up,

 

“Yes, you might have a point there,” he held out a hand to the bartender that had probably saved his life, whether he knew it or not. As they shook hands Erwin had the unfortunate sight of the clock on the opposing wall with the hour hand firmly at 3 o’clock. Levi followed his gaze,

 

“Yeah you did take a long time the wake the hell up and not be a blubbering mess.” Erwin felt his face redden as they broke the handshake for Levi to walk him to the door. Erwin stepped out,

 

“I will phone you tomorrow, okay?” Erwin asked as he stepped onto the street, the first drops of rain peppering his face and over the pavement leaving it mottled shades of grey. 

 

“You better arsehole! And if you think I'm serving you booze again you can go fuck yourself, come to my bar again and you're getting tea!” Erwin laughed, his first real laugh in months as the small man yelled at him. 

 

“Sounds good,” Erwin nodded as Levi retreated back into his small terraced house and pair parted ways. Levi watched him leave the street with a scowl and a sigh,

 

“That guy… That fucking guy,” Levi muttered and left for his kitchen to prepare dinner as his strange drunken visitor turned the corner.


	2. Tea and texts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is a year later and Levi is going to have to deal with a lot with his new friend.

Erwin did keep true to the man in the bar under the stairs, he had come back the next day, after spending the majority of it fussing over a pouting Armin and shrieking Hanji, who did not let him off easily. But he returned that evening, not the early hours of his night of drunken night of self destruction, but just after Armin had fallen asleep, Erwin was out to that strange little bar. As promised Levi stood there, the only one running the bar ever was this angry little man. 

Levi stood there, just like the night before. Scowling at the wall and carefully cleaning glasses, turning and nodding to Erwin as he entered before crouching under the bar and pulling out a kettle. Erwin grinned and sat down to drink the tea Levi forced him to drink, he stayed for a few hours talking to Levi in a low tone to the sound of the strange piano music that Levi seemed to like. He left after a few hours, returned back to Hanji’s flat and fell asleep. Levi was the first person he actually talked about anything with really, it didn't feel forced or pressured but natural, and when he slept that night he slept. It was an alien notion to the man for he hadn't slept unaided in months, but he slept and woke comfortably.

Levi was Erwin's sole confidant, he told him everything, certainly more than he ever told the therapist who he was forced to sit with every Thursday. He told him of Armin’s progress at school and Hanji’s freak outs, even the few one night stands with women whose names he could not recall. Through all of it Levi listened, smirking and rolling his eyes at various parts, muttering crude jokes at the expense of Erwin or other members of the clientele, but it was that cynical personality that had Erwin coming back every night, even on holidays he always made sure to visit his favourite bartender for his tea and talk. But through all of it Levi remained silent of his own history, apart from that first singular mention of the dead mother of his children he had been silent of his personal history. Not that Erwin had particularly wanted to pry but he could not repress his curiosity which was so enraptured by his reserved counsel. But as the months turned to a year, Erwin still knew relatively little of the man other than a few things such as his kids’ names and his age.

“You can't be 34,” levi’s eyes rolled at Erwin’s scoff, it had been exactly a year since they met and he had finally got some out of Levi, though it only being his age, and even that he did not believe.

“Well i'm flattered you think so, but I really am,” Levi's eyes narrowed taking in his reaction to the first real personal detail he had expressed to his most frequent customer. Erwin just looked down into the deep brown of the black tea that quivered under his breath,

“Well I glad I'm not a older guy harassing a young man but-” 

“Just and older guy harassing another old guy,” Levi pitched in just to see those mighty eyebrows knot together from the joke. Levi smirked and continued on the glass in his hand, polishing it till the clear material dulled diamonds in comparison. 

“But,” Erwin interjected, looking over to Levi with a bemused focus, “that is exactly the first thing you have told me about you, you know everything about me and-” Levi seemed to freeze in place, seizing up, his eyes growing dark with memories and an uncomfortable sensation that rested on his spine. Erwin paused, measuring the man in front of him with caution, “sorry I didn't mean to overstep.” Levi took a deep breath and nodded as he picked up another tumbler of rum dregs and began to wash it out,

“I get it, but you needed to vent I don't.” The blunt answer came sharply and Erwin knew that was the end of the matter, Levi was willing to be confided in but never to confide in others. He studied the man, tence demeanour, the obsession with cleanliness, the eyes that oozed insomnia with every blink. If anyone needed to talk, to vent and speak about the problems that weighed on their mind, it was the man before him. But he said no more on the matter, it wasn't the normal way he'd leave things, with and smile and a nod, but he finished his tea, turned away and left without a sound. 

The look Levi had given him settled deep into Erwin's brain and refused to move from his mind’s eye even as he closed the door. That look played on his mind all the journey home and still as he opened the door to the flat and checked on Armin. He lay in bed, staring sternly into the blackness, he thought Levi had become one of his closest friends, but perhaps not. He tried to close his eyes but the sinking feeling of having presumed a friendship in a purely professional relationship drilled an unpleasant humiliation into his gut. He had work in the morning so not sleeping was an issue, but the bliss of slumber refused to reach him.

After selling their old house Hanji had offered a permanent residence in their flat which they were struggling to afford since they had driven out their previous roommates with a solid effort of continued insanity. So with none too subtle provoking from Armin who had become used to the routine of living with his aunt, they accepted the offer and continued their stay in the modest apartment ten minutes from Levi’s bar. Getting a job was far harder than getting accommodation however, he was used to a senior position managing and delegating over a large team, but without his arm that was no longer an option, he now worked at a supermarket. It wasn't glamorous or well paying but, it was something, it allowed him to pay rent and support his son and that was all that mattered. 

The hours burned on through the night and when, at about 2:30am, he had resigned himself to a night of no sleep followed by a day of bloodshot eyes and his muscles burning like fire. But then, through the silence, echoed with the tones of Berlin’s night, his phone beeped. A text. Plucking the phone from his bedside cabinet he pulled the glowing cyan towards him.

-Are you awake?-

The message was from Levi, other than a few phone calls mentioning when the bar was shutting early, he had never had contact from the bartender through his phone, and never once through text. He tapped quickly on glass, answering the message with a single word.

-Yes-

He sent the text and waited, staring at the phone and waiting for the next beep of response. Erwin was never a particularly social person so having Levi who he could talk away his issues and joke and just relax with. Without Levi he would be dead, Armin would be an orphan and he never would have carried on to deal with his wife's death. It haunted him deeply but over the months he had learned to cope with it, she was a beautiful and kind and he had loved so much that he forgot to hate, but she was gone, and he knew she would not want him to stop living for her. It had taken therapy, Levi’s help, and admittedly a few poor life decisions and he was in something of a better place. He owed a lot of that to Levi.

Erwin waited and waited and it took the longest 15 minutes of his life; but, he got a response.

-If you want to know more about me come for my house ASAP-

It was 2:47am, a totally unreasonable hour, but as sleep was not going to come to him, he got up. It was that night one year ago all over again, sneaking out of the flat in the early hours while Hanji and Armin slept, running off to see Levi, though this time he was summoned, not a charity case. 

Levi waited in his bedroom, sitting on a chair and looking at the bed he never slept in, waiting for the knock at the door in order to take the biggest jump he had take in a long time. Eren and Mikasa slept happily in their beds, they were new and undamaged and he was sure as hell that they'd didn't need to see this. He hadn't talked about his rather grim history with anyone in years, not since the last therapist he kicked a table at. Erwin was...a special case. He was broken, hard headed and ruined; they had a lot in common to say the least. But he had gotten so much better, while Levi remained in his person stagnant hell, trapped in his past and unable to move forward. He hated talking about his problems, people teasing them out to chat over just made him feel worse. So to say this was a shot in the dark was an understatement, but maybe, just maybe, he feel better, or different at least. Besides, Erwin deserved to know. 

A good 20 minutes later Erwin’s fist wrapped gently on the pine on Levi’s door, the night was too silent to believe for the capital and still Levi made no sound ushering him into the house. He came into the cold, echoing home and stair by stair, the two men made their way up to Levi's bedroom. Upon arrival Levi shut the door and sat down in his chair, the clean and crisp bed made for Erwin’s seat. There was a minute more of the agonising quiet endured before Levi's spoke,

“I am going to tell you what happened to me, as you can imagine it's not nice, if you don't want to hear it, fine. Leave now, I don't care, if you stay shut up before I change my mind and kick you out myself.” Levi paused, but Erwin's eyes stayed fixed on his and he did not move or speak, he was there to listen, and Levi knew he couldn't scare him off. “If you want...after this, you can complete erase me from your mind, it's fine.” Levi took a deep breath in, Erwin looked at him so concerned and curious. Why did he have to look at him like that? Levi breathed out, ready to begin.

“When Eren and Mikasa’s mother died… We weren't together. We met Petra at a bar in Amsterdam, I was there playing piano because….yeah you know that weird music I play in the bar, that’s me.” Erwin raised an eyebrow at that and a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, the idea of Levi as a musician was odd to say the least, and Erwin made a mental note to ask him to play for him. “So yeah, we met and she was...beautiful, funny, loyal, so we started dating. We were together for a year before I proposed, and then a few months later we found out she was pregnant with Mikasa. It was great...she was great rather, I wasn't.” Levi no longer looked at Erwin but straight at the wall behind him. “I tried my best but I was lying to her and myself through it all, even after Mikasa was born...then Eren, I didn't love her romantically.” Levi straightened it back, clicking the bones and removing a bit of tension as he returned his gaze to Erwin. “I was gay, I was an idiot convincing myself otherwise, and a selfish bastard convincing others, but I was.” Levi monitored Erwin's reaction, but he just kept that same conserved and curious expression. Levi relaxed a little at that, these days not many cared much for sexuality but he’d met his fair share of bastards who took exception to it. 

Levi's hands gripped the chair a little tighter, the next bit was the part that ate him up, the worst moments of his life and he had to tell to this man. “So a little after Eren was born, we broke up, she cried and screamed and was destroyed...but over time she got used to it and accepted our situation. I moved out and she took the kids, got a nice new boyfriend and it was fine. Then she got cancer.” Erwin leaned back a little, and nodded once to the fate of the woman, he knew where this was going and tried not to let his pity show on his face, Levi was not the type for pity. “She died of an aggressive form of pancreatic cancer that was diagnosed far too late for anything to be done, she was gone within the year.” Erwin's bowed his head and Levi turned to stare out to window. “Her boyfriend, Oluo, hung himself from a light fitting a month later.” Erwin head shot up at that, colour draining from his skin at the news, he remember the suicidal compulsions he got after Marie’s death, he was so close to that fate. “Then I took in the kids and dealt with their things, that was four years ago, I wasn't her husband or lover but she was as close to family that I've had in a long time, and he was a good man. A fool but a good fool.” 

Erwin and Levi sat in silence as Levi stopped, it was a different experience to Erwin, his wife had died quickly, with little pain, Levi had to watch his only friend died over a year. Then the only other person who could understand killed himself, it explained a lot about the man. The insomnia, the OCD, his cold demeanor. He had lost everything and Erwin doubted he had much to begin with. He stood up, Levi did not, he just sat there not looking at him and waiting for him to leave him to his misery. Though he didn't him want to, Erwin had listened and understood his plight without judgement or pity, he had just listened and for that Levi honestly didn't want him to go. Erwin’s hand came down to gently rest upon Levi shoulder as Erwin looked down to Levi who's heart slammed against his ribcage over and over.

“You didn't have to tell me those things and I can tell you this, from what I can't hear it wasn't your fault,”

“Not my fault that I proposed to her and knocked her up when I wasn't even interested? That I broke up with her just in time for her to die and pull someone else with her?” Levi hissed, trying not to raise his voice and disturb his children.

“You made some wrong decisions, but the world runs on random and stupid chance and sometimes choices we make end in awful consequences we you never predict. If I had never brought Marie with me that day, if I had left an hour earlier, she wouldn’t be dead.” Levi gritted his teeth, “you're not a bad person Levi, broken? Yes, but you saved my life and raised your children well, don't let the bad fate of the past sully the bright future.” Erwin smiled and Levi heart slammed harder and harder like the organ was trying to burst through his chest. 

“You talk such bullshit sometimes,” Levi managed to choke out. The moment of them looking through the gloam to each other seemed to last for eternity, but through the dark the dim glow of morning filtered through. Erwin checked the time, 5:30am he needed to get back to see Armin off to school and then head to work, though on exactly zero hours sleep he wondered how he would manage that.

“I need to go-” 

“I know,” Levi nodded and stood up, leading him out just like a year ago, but it was different now. Levi had finally opened up and it wasn't as bad as he thought, Erwin did a good job in calming him and relaxing the anxiety built up over talking about the awfulness of 4 years ago. But his heart wouldn't stop beating and his gut was doing back flips inside him. 

Levi opened the door and let Erwin out to the street bathed in twilight, waving him away to the dim musical beats of Levi's heart, and as Erwin turned, promising to see him later at the bar after work, his heart sored. Levi closed the door and moved to the living room to once again watch him turn the corner. He stared so long his eyes burned, he dug his nails into his knees till small tears of blood poured down his trouser leg. The realisation was hitting him over and over like some cruel soul was throwing bricks at his chest. 

“That guy….that fucking guy,” Levi whispered about the man that he had been in love with for half a year, and only now did the realisation hit him like a bullet to the brain.


End file.
